My Cry For Help

Hello, my name is CK, and like every healthy individual I have dreams and aspirations of becoming someone successful.

I am a strapping young male who has grown up in the diverse South African climate playing rugby and doing what ordinary boys did; but at 21 years old, I am imprisoned for a crime I did not commit!

Before we’re born our chromosomes are intricately knit together to form an amazing miracle that everyone looks forward to meeting. One can be born with a myriad of characteristics varying from skin color, exceptional IQ and personality traits but who can predict what these will be. No matter what these characteristics are, we will be judged favorably or negatively for attributes that we didn’t get to choose. No one will frown at eccentric flamboyant artists, brilliant scientists or masculine medal winning athletes. The beautiful, intelligent and well chiseled are seldom judged next to the ugly, less intelligent and chubby individuals. Why? It’s because society has taught us to judge – its learned behavior, not genetic and definitely a choice we make.

What’s not a choice? It’s being trapped in a body given to you at birth and crying because the reflection staring back is not what you believe you should be. I have been told that this is what gay is – a term I’ve happily adopted. Being called gay is not the problem, I love the way I am…just not how I look.

Every day I wake up with the persona of a female, the high energy of a school girl, confidence of a woman and maternal instincts of a pregnant mother; until I face the dreaded mirror and realize my living nightmare.

I believe I was born to be a woman. Whilst I am attracted to males, I can never see myself with another gay or homosexual individual in my present form. I am concerned about my future; how does one find Mr Right, if the Mr Right I am looking for plays for the other team.
Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs speak of love and belonging before self actualization. It’s human nature to want to want connection with a significant other. We all fall in love at some stage or another, but the one I love will never love me back….well not in the way I want or need him to.

How do I cope? I live in my dream world and yearn for the day that I would become the woman I need to be. This being said, the reality is that I am a man!

My determination to find a silver lining in everything has kept me moving forward in search for my Utopia.

Thankfully I have very supportive group of friends who allow me to express myself and protect me from the whiplash suffered by our judgmental society. I’m not a confrontational person but often I find that I’m forced to constantly fight battles for wanting to be myself. It’s sad that people don’t treat you the way you treat them – I always show respect to everyone around me but seldom get the same back; especially when they see me dress in drag. When I dress in drag, I get to embrace my femininity and allow myself to feel complete, even if it’s just for a little while; but before I know it the night is usually over and all my happiness is wiped away with a wet Kleenex.

In the times we live in today, everything is about publicity and who’s who in the Zoo.
If you are unpopular or not a celeb, you don’t matter.

My experience to becoming a woman is far more difficult than what Bruce Jenner has experienced.
He lives a life of Fame and Fortune and due to that fact, he could afford his change of Life Style. He doesn’t face society the way I do and doesn’t have a struggle in raising the funds required to make the changes he needs. Whether he is accepted or not, doesn’t matter, because he has the upper hand of being above what society accepts.

The difficulties I experienced to get where I am now, is the chance to be noticed, helped and accepted.
No one is willing to listen to my story. Those that do, either don’t care or cant help.

The most difficult challenge so far to become the woman I’m born to be, is to raise the funding required to make the change.
Bruce wanted to be a woman and did it…. I need to be a woman or have no purpose to be.

My life has reached a point where happiness is fleeting and I need to change in order to be the woman I was intended to be. I am now desperately exploring options in order to get assistance to undergo this necessary surgery, to make me beautiful. So far, I’ve been unsuccessful but I’m not going to give up on my dream. I appeal to you to feel the sadness that resonates from my heart and think what my daily life must feel like, being trapped. The woman on the inside of me doesn’t want to put up with the man on the outside, anymore. Please Help!

My Motto reads: Keep your Head and Standards as high as your Heels! – But in my day to day life, I am not allowed my Heels.

Kind Regards
Cogan Kukard

11401000_875607905820559_6810988116507225147_nYou can reach Cogan via Facebook or by email here.