“My Boyfriend’s Gay Male Co-Worker Regularly Calls Him After Hours. What Should I Do?”

It is completely normal to feel jealous from time to time.

Jealousy can become problematic when we decide to act out in jealousy or spend too much time wallowing in it.

When reddit user Anonmd12 discovered his boyfriend was receiving daily after hours calls from his gay male co-worker, he was naturally left feeling jealous and somewhat concerned that the line between professional and personal had been crossed.

But it appears Anonmd12 may have overreacted and mishandled the situation, as he detailed in a Reddit post this weekend:

My boyfriend has been working from home for 6 years, but moved to an office job last year. He did a contract job for some time, and then got a permanent position at that same company.

My boyfriend is a naturally good looking guy. He looks much younger than his age (late 30s, I’m early 30s), he keeps himself in great shape by eating healthy and exercising regularly. He’s also a stickler about dressing, and really looks great and put together everyday. I’m only mentioning this because I’ve seen some other people from the firm, and they look like they’ve basically rolled out of bed and went to work, so he definitely stands out in the work crowd.

He is intelligent, has a Masters degree etc. He is also very social, friendly with everyone. Unfortunately he has a tendency to people-please sometimes, and won’t stand up for himself in order not to offend anyone else.

So when we have our alone time after work with dinner he usually tells me about the gossip and funny stuff that happens at work, so I’m familiar with the names of all his co-workers. Every now and then he will say things like “Jenny said this…” or “Will was telling me that…”. Will (name changed) is a co-worker in a different division, but works with my boyfriend on some projects. He is also gay. I keep hearing his name come up when he tells me about stuff at work.

Anyway, about 10 days ago, he was driving home from work and I called him and he said he was just done talking to Will. I was taken aback because I did not expect Will to have his number and call after work, but did not say anything and we talked for some time and disconnected. Then last Tuesday, on the way back from work I called him and it went to voice mail. After about 20 minutes, he calls me and says that he was talking to Will. I winced when I heard that. Again??

I was annoyed but didn’t show it, but I felt like I needed to look into it further. I checked up our cell phone records online and saw a call from a number to my boyfriend’s cellphone about 10 minutes after he left work, and the call was about 25 minutes. I searched on that number and was amazed to see many calls from this number over many days and all starting around the same time of day when he left work. The calls started from July-end at a frequency of about once a week. It shot up to calling every evening for the last 20 days. The longest call was for 35 minutes. I thought of talking to my boyfriend about it, but thought I’d give it another day to cool down and plan how to go about it the right way. So on Thursday, I did not call him, and then checked the records at night and saw that there was a call from that number. I could not talk to him for some reason that evening, but Friday evening I called him on the way back and some 15 minutes along, I hear a beep on the line. He told me it was Will trying to call and he did not want to talk to him.

That was it. I had to do something.

Saturday came, and in the evening, I held him tight next to me and told him I wanted to talk to him about something and told him that I had been hearing about “Will” a bit too often and he seems to be calling him a lot outside of work hours and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I said that it was inappropriate for him to constantly call up every evening to chat. He said he agreed and felt the same way and had stopped picking up when he called for the last few days (the truth). He would only talk to him to get the news/gossip from around the company because he was very clued in, but he agreed that he was calling a bit too much. At first he would pick up and talk because he did not want to be rude and ignore him but it was now getting annoying for him since he was calling every evening.

He agreed that it was a bit too much, and maybe he was getting ideas and that he would ignore his calls. I told him that we will do this for 7-10 days and if he does not get the hint, I will send him a friendly email or call asking him to keep things professional. My boyfriend said it was not necessary for me to intervene and he would handle it and he would make it evident that he will talk about work issues only during work hours.

I trust my boyfriend, and even though we fight and argue like other couples, I think our relationship is quite good. He leaves his facebook, email and phone open at all times and I saw nothing in there. When I brought it up, he didn’t have this “OMG I am caught” look. His phone had his calls with his name on it, so he wasn’t [trying] to hide anything. I am in a “Trust but Verify” mode as this is new territory for us where he is at some place by himself without me being around him, so there will be the possibility of guys hitting on him. I will check on this in about a week and see how things are.

Meanwhile, one of my best friends said I should 100% talk to Will regardless, and do it as soon as possible. I would like to do that, but I know boyfriend would be upset about that. Still, I don’t want this to progress any further. I think I will wait a couple of days and keep track of what’s going on. What do you bros think?

Can two gay co-workers simply be friends? Is the poster simply being controlling and/or paranoid? Should he step in or leave it to his boyfriend to handle the situation?

Have any of you had a similar experience?

As you can imagine, the Reddit community flooded the original poster (Anonmd12) with advice urging him not to intervene in the matter.

One user wrote:

Even though your boyfriend took the initial “talk” well, and I am surprised he did considering how you went about it, you are treading on thin ice here. The calls were obviously inappropriately long and often, but rather than ask your boyfriend about Will the first time you suspected something was off, you immediately jump to checking his phone records. Rather than assuming the obvious (that it’s about a work matter), you immediately jump to something inappropriate. Regardless of the fact that you ended up being correct (this time), that is not the behavior of people in a healthy relationship. You are assuming the worst and it will only cause strain and worry down the line, which can build and lead to a breakup.

…Your suspicious and jealous attitude may not have raised any red flags for your boyfriend yet, but if this situation is any indication it’s absolutely going to come to a head eventually.

And I have to agree with almost every other commenter: Do not talk to Will. If your boyfriend cannot handle the situation himself, you should then ask him if you can talk to Will yourself. You do not talk to Will without your boyfriend knowing about it. This is extremely inappropriate, unprofessional, and can only cause trouble.

Another user wrote:

Do not talk to Will! The situation doesn’t involve you directly, don’t involve yourself. You sound like you’re a bit jealous or insecure, don’t let that impulse hurt your boyfriend’s professional relationships.

What advice would you give the “jealous” boyfriend? Should he intervene further or just let his boyfriend handle the matter and trust that he will end the after hours calls? Does this cross the line between professional and personal? Let us know below in the comments section.

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h/t: instinct