Girlfriend Snoops On Boyfriend’s Phone, Discovers He’s Been Talking To Guys On Grindr

A girlfriend who decided to snoop on her boyfriend’s phone after he fell asleep made a troubling discovery – her boyfriend has been talking to other men on the gay hookup app Grindr.

The 21-year-old shared her discovery on reddit under a post titled “I [21F] just snooped on my boyfriend’s [23M] phone and found out he’s on Grindr. What do I do?”

She writes:

This literally happened minutes ago and I’m losing my mind. My boyfriend is spending the night and usually falls asleep before me. Usually I’m not one to snoop, but something just pushed me tonight.

Background: We’ve been dating for a little over a year. I love him more than anything. We’ve had issues in the past, like any normal couple, but I thought that things have been going great recently. I do know that he’s been a little bi-curious in the past (he’s divulged to me that he’s given oral to two men before) but that’s in the past and I didn’t really care. We have a great relationship, great sex, and I’ve never even thought that he was unsatisfied.

HOWEVER… now to tonight. I turned on his phone and started looking through his apps. On the third page of an app folder, I see Grindr and I’m immediately struck with panic. I open it up to investigate. Who knows, maybe he used to be active but doesn’t use it anymore?
Well, no. Turns out he’s fairly active. I’ve found no compelling evidence on it that he’s actually done any actual cheating, but he has active conversations with at least 5 men and has sent pictures of his face. He even told one guy that he was open to possibly meeting.
I don’t know what to do next. Should I be worried? Should I bring it up? This all feels so wrong. Need some advice…

tl;dr – I snooped on my boyfriend’s phone and found out he’s fairly active on Grindr, but it doesn’t seem like he’s done any actual cheating. I’m worried he’s unsatisfied with our relationship. Help.

One commenter left her the following advice:

I know you feel guilty for going through his phone, and worry he’ll be mad at you violated his trust by doing that….but he already broke the integrity of your relationship by going on that app and trying to set up meets with people. So confront him directly about it, don’t lie or be shy about admitting you went on his phone. If he wasn’t doing anything shady then you’d be in the wrong, but I feel when/if you find something, that kinda goes out the window. A relationship goes both ways, mutual respect. He didn’t respect you at all by doing that, so why should you feel bad for not respecting his privacy?

The other thing to keep in mind: you knew something was up. You wouldn’t have looked at his phone if you didn’t. Knowing something shady was going on, since he wasn’t going to be honest with you, your only options were: 1) break up with him because you know something is fishy and can’t trust him but can’t get the truth, or 2) figure out what it is on your own so you can have a conversation about it and resolve it.

So if he gets mad, just ask him what you were supposed to do? He wasn’t telling the truth. What was the endgame here? Just meet up with this rando gay guy and never tell you??? Because that seems like that’s where this is/was headed.

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Another redditor left this piece of advice:

If he’s bisexual, he may be looking for an outlet for his homosexual tendencies; however, to me it seems like the same thing as if you were active on Tinder while dating him. Sure, you’re attracted to men, and sure, you could fulfill more of your sexual desires with other men, but you wouldn’t (hopefully) even browse Tinder secretly and chat and tell them you would meet up since you’re in a committed relationship.

Whether or not it’s cheating walks a very fine line and depends on your definition of cheating; however, my viewpoint is that if it’s something you need to hide from your S/O, you probably shouldn’t be doing it anyway.

I would take some screenshots and text them to your phone, save them as proof. Then bring it up with him, maybe in the morning. Yes, you snooped so you “messed up,” but so did he. Maybe discuss what pushed you to check up on him, to look through his phone (has he seemed distant? Unhappy?) and explain in plain terms what you saw. If he tries to deny it, tell him you have proof and saw that he was considering meeting up with somebody.

I’m sorry, and the situation sucks. I hope that you come out of this alright!

User Haydenonem said: “Confront him about it. He is obviously having some desires that you, as a woman, are not able to fulfill. In all honesty, unless you’re open to the idea of another men in the bedroom to satisfy his craving, then you may need to walk away from this one. If he’s doing this behind your back, it’s likely going to continue until he finds a way to satisfy whatever need he has.”

To which the girlfriend responded: “Thank you for the advice. Honestly I have no problem with having an open relationship as long as we maintain honesty and he always practices safe sex. My only problem is that he lied about it and kept it from me, and now I don’t know if he’s been having unprotected sex with other men and may have transferred something to me. If he confessed to me that he had done that, that would be the deal breaker.”

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Leave your own words of wisdom below in the comments section.