Do You Avoid Getting Fucked Because It Hurts?

Anal sex can be an amazing experience in any sexual relationship.

Knowing how your body works before your big moment is important.

Here to help us answer some of your most asked questions about anal sex is’s very own sexologist Dr. Kat Van Kirk of

dr kat

Tell us a bit about yourself.

I’m a mom, wife, proud bi-sexual, marriage and sex therapist and a board certified clinical sexologoist. Yes, you can actually go to school and study sex!

Is anal sex “a gay” thing?

“Anal sex is the number one fantasy among heterosxual couples”

In my experience, anal sex is the number one fantasy among heterosxual couples. They are drawn to it because it’s a bit naughty. Anal sex is a common sexual interest across the board.

Another interesting tidbit. In talking to clients, millennials are very open to anal sex and using sex toys. Much more than other generations. Its not just a straight chick thing anymore.

Especially when it comes to vibration, the guys are very happy with their experience. Its a completely different orgasm.

If you’re not sure, and thinking of trying it out, sex toys are definitely the answer. Its the perfect way to explore your sexuality in the privacy of your own home.

It all comes down to self exploration in a non-intimidating environment. For many that means privately playing with yourself. Figure out what your body responds to, so you can say what you want in bed.

Related Article: How to Top Like a Stud: A Penetrative Guide to Gay Sex

Why does anal sex feel so good?

“The anus is rich in nerve endings but in addition many people like the taboo that it’s a little naughty.”

There are several reasons. The most obvious is that the anus is rich in nerve endings but in addition many people like the taboo that it’s a little naughty. Men have the extra bonus of prostate stimulation during anal sex. Many clients tell me that prostate orgasms are more powerful than their regular orgasms.

Why does anal sex hurt for some people?

“Do not just stick it in! Sex toys. Lube. Ass play. Go slow.”

It basically comes down to four reasons.

It hurts because people tense up, not enough practice, not enough lube, or they stick it in too fast.

For people thinking about trying it for the first time, what can they do so it doesn’t hurt?

“I tell clients that Rome wasn’t built in a day and anal sex is the same.”

They need to ease into it with some backdoor play first.

Yanking the cock in and out of the asshole too many times in the beginning causes more pain, so once you have your partner in, have him keep his strokes inside of you for awhile.

I watch the HBO series Looking. There’s a lot of anal sex in that. They just stick it in. Gay porn too. They just stick it in. That’s not how it works for most.

Here’s what you can do so it doesn’t hurt:

1) The trifecta: Try fingers, graduated butt plugs and dildos.
2) Vibrators are awesome as they offer additional stimulation that can help you relax those ass muscles. Rimming is a fantastic way to explore the area and realize how good it can feel to be probed by your lover.
3) Stroke your penis. Sometimes, people become so focused on the asshole that they forget to masturbate. Stimulating the penis at the same time helps reroute the pain and pleasure sensors which makes anal more pleasurable.
4) And lube…always lube! There’s some amazing anal lube out there that’s thicker than the normal variety and it lasts alot longer as well.
5) I’ll give you a code for 50% off one sex toy at – GRIND

If it still hurts, it may not be you.

Don’t feel bad. Maybe the top is too eager or has no experience. Make sure you communicate what works for you and what doesn’t.

What about feces. That’s a top concern — no pun intended.

“There is actually very little fecal matter in the lower third of the anus”

I don’t typically recommend enemas. If not done properly, it can cause micro-tears in the anus which can cause problems not only with discomfort but with HIV and STIs.

There is actually very little fecal matter in the lower third of the anus, so as long as you feel clean from a shower or bath — that’s usually enough.

Although, some people do like a little “filth” in their play.

How does diet play a role?

“Stay away from burritos and sodas”

Well, I’ll tell you that I’ve never come across anyone who liked to have anal sex feeling bloated. So, having a big meal prior is probably not the most comfortable thing you could do.

Also, I recommend not eating anything that will make you incredibly gaseous or cause loose stool. Stay away from sodas and burritos.

And just a note here about alcohol. A drink or two will loosen you up, but don’t get wasted. It always hurts more and because your judgement is off you are less likely to wear a condom and take your time.

Communication is key. Any pointers on how to bring up hesitations about anal sex with a partner?

“Play with yourself. Then tell your partner what you like the most”

The most important thing is experimenting alone with yourself. How can you communicate what you want if you don’t know your body?

Adding anal play to your masterbartory practices is a good way to discover what you want to communicate.

Many people assume that all gay men must be comfortable with anal sex, but that’s not true. Everyone needs to feel in control of their body, regardless of sexuality. Go slow, use good lube and play with the ass first.

And remember, no one is psychic. Verbalizing what you want is the most important thing you can do. It can be done in a really sexy way, too. Try dirty talk to tell your partner how you want to get fucked.

Will it hurt the first time? How much lube should I use? Any particular brand or type of lube you recommend?

“Get something thick and not sticky.”

Lube lube lube. Use enough lube so that the anus and full extension of the penis is covered.

coltPain is usually less about how deep someone goes and more about the girth of the dick. If his looks like a bottle of coke you better have extra lube.

My clients love Colt Slick Lube. (Disclaimer, I work for them) But you know, its nice and thick which is perfect for anal sex, and so many drug store lubes suck. So many are made for vaginal sex.

Is shaving still popular? Any safety guidelines for trimming near the anus area?

“Squat over a mirror so that you can see exactly what you are doing”

Lots of guys like a masculine bush. But if you want to, I suggest using an electric trimmer with a guard on it. Relax and squat over a mirror so that you can see exactly what you are doing.


Any toys for beginners? Just a tip or two?

Absolutely! That’s the key to mastering anal sex. If you want to try it out, I can give you guys a 50% off the highest priced item at and FREE SHIPPING (in the US) with code GRIND.


Colt Anal Trainer Kit



How-to: This set is great and inexpensive. Start with a finger first and then graduate to the smallest plug. Due to the design, plugs are not meant to be pulled in and out of the anus too much. You can train yourself by jerking off while having one of these inserted and then even wearing it around the house while you do your laundry.


Booty Call Booty Teaser



Pro-tip: The handle on this is really great for maneuvering and using it in a number of positions. Make sure you use a silicone friendly lube with this one.


Dr. Joel Ultimate Prostate Locator



Pro-tip: This is a great step up once you’ve trained your asshole a bit. The design is perfect for targeting the prostate. By the way, did you know that research indicates that prostate orgasms can actually help you avoid prostate cancer?” — Dr. Kat


Titan Men Anal Sex Trainer Tool #1



“If you find that you enjoy the sensation of feeling more filled, these are great items. Plus they are even anti-bacterial.”


Colt Waterproof Power Bullet



“Who says vibrators are just for women?”

Mix it up with a little extra sensation. Just be sure to only insert the egg when it is attached to the remote so you can retrieve it. Trust me, you do not want a trip to the emergency room.


Give it a try. Get 50% Off Highest Priced Item in Your Cart and FREE SHIPPING (in the US) with code GRIND. Good luck!